One Tough vonCookie

Writing Travelogue: Process and Product, Ch3

It has been called to my attention lately by a few people that I don’t write the way they do, and that my process could, in fact, use a little “improving”. Improving? Huh. You’d think that after nearly 20 years of writing research papers, my process would have already improved.

The truth is, it has. Writing this dissertation, working on it day by day (and admittedly, some days avoiding it completely) has taught me that you can’t write some things in one night. That’s a BIG improvement over my earlier process. The bulk of the papers that I’ve written in my lifetime were done with maybe 2 days to spare.

So, Improvement #1: No longer taking it right down to the wire with my writing. No more photo finishes. I’m writing ahead of time, but still in large chunks, and when the pressure is on. But “pressure” now equals a week instead of 48 hours. I’d call that an improvement.

Improvement #2: REVISION. I used to write and never look back. I would make sure each sentence did exactly what I wanted it to do before I moved on, and therefore never went back and edited. This strategy does not work for a dissertation, not in the slightest. And so, with that in mind, I’ve taught myself how to be critical of my own work without despairing or disparaging. A very good thing. And I’ve learned how to read what I’ve written without either falling into a pit of morose self-hatred, or, alternately, thinking I’m the greatest scholar/critic since Walter Benjamin walked this earth. (How I love Benjamin!)

Improvement #3: Respect for structure. Now here’s where I’ve improved a bit too much. I’ve so fallen in love with structure as being the key to a successful argument that I spend hours and hours on my outlines, until I’m clear that I have the most harmonious form possible. This takes away from writing time, admittedly, but it does—in its defense—grease the wheels mightily when it’s time to start putting fingers to the keyboard.

Improvement #4: Respecting my own instincts. There’s a big one. While I still tend to rely on the Overlords for guidance, I’ve come to recognize that my instincts about my work are not *all* bad, and that they deserve an equal amount of airtime as any other’s opinion. If not more so.

With all these improvements, I feel I’m finally putting together a dissertation that may be worth something. And I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. Which brings me to Improvement #5: Pride in my work. That’s something I’ve never really had, and it’s about damn time that I did. Sheesh.

Anyway, back to trying to fashion the end of a chapter that has dragged on too long, not lengthwise, but emotionally. I’ll be damned if these fascists didn’t screw me up in the head more than a little bit.

The Fascist Bastard awaits. Damn, he was a good writer. How I hate to admit that.

More meditations on the Fascist Bastard are sure to come. Stay tuned.

May 10th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | La Tesis, Uncategorized | no comments

Ch3 = Herding LOLCats, or ¿I Can Has Chapter, Pleez?

Things are going well with Ch3. They really are. But big ideas beg for structure, and so, well, there’s been a lot of attempts to organize that have felt like herding cats. And because it’s already midnight, those cats have morphed into LOLcats, from whom I garner much inspiration, similar to Work Bird, who sits on my desktop and can always see me procrastinating. (Thanks, Acephalous!) I’m starting a collection of LOLcats related to my topic (believe it or not, they exist) and they’re up at the top corner of the page under “LOLcat Inspirashun”.

KnitKitteh has decided that she does not like her pseudonym. Being both a LOLcat fan, but also having several cats of her own, KnitKitteh informed me that she thinks LOL-speak is insulting to animals. I kind of agree, but kind of think it’s funny anyway, and I find it amusing that there is this whole grammatical anti-grammar to LOL-speak that does possess a certain logic. I’m sure a linguist has already done an analysis of this.

At any rate, KnitKitteh has asked that she no longer be called KnitKitteh, and so from now on she will be known as “LaceWhore” in reference to her penchant for knitting oodles and boodles of the finest quality lace stoles and mitts. Beautiful, beautiful stuff.

And so KnitKitteh is no more, and we say hello to LaceWhore, from whom I bought copious amounts of yarn today at the LYS.

I’m rambling. The point is… The point is… Oh pleez, I can has chapter? I needz to get bak to the werks. But I iz punchy.

My LOLspeak is as bad as my Spanish.

May 9th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | Humor Me, La Tesis, NaBloPoMo May | no comments

Preparing to Kick Ch3’s Ass.

I haven’t started writing yet, no, I will cop to that. But I am like that kid on the blacktop just winding his foot behind him, waiting to smack the kickball across the court into the crop of Kindergarteners out for juice boxes and granola in the sunshine. I am wiggling my foot. I am about to put a massive dent in Ch3. In fact, I’m about to drive a stake through Ch3’s heart, watch it get all good and dusted. Yeah. I’m gonna rain smack down on Ch3.

This is all my tough talk that I do before going into the nightmarish (and yet masochistically invigorating) process of finishing a draft of a chapter.

Ch3, you’d best be getting out your protective gear. I fear you’ve got a real ass whippin’ in store for you.

To quote the Immortal Beastie Boys, “KICK IT!!!!!!”

I am gonna fight for my right to par-tay this Sunday, and that means, completed chapter, you’re on.

Off to go fight the good fight.

May 9th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | La Tesis | no comments

Caution: Jubilation Ahead!!!

No more angst, no more drama! Things are deciding to look up all of a sudden and WOW! Life is good when it isn’t all fraught with Pessimism and Other Things Horrible.

A Very Good (but Unnameable) Thing happened today. And I am H-A-P-P-Y!!!!

Of course, it’s been quite a roller coaster lately in the halls of Big U, so I’m not quite ready to pop the champagne… but I was celebratory enough to want sushi. So KnitKitteh and I went for some faboo sushi—and lots of it—at Local Strip-Mall Sushi Bar. Very nice.

And now I’m spending the afternoon grading and the like. KnitKitteh is coming over in a bit and we’ll watch some mindless TV and knit, and it will be good.

A sort of low-key jubilation, but jubilation nonetheless.

May 8th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | A Cookie's Life | no comments

Oral Exams

The problem with oral exams is not that I have to *do* them. I love having the chance to have a 1-on-1 with each student, hear how much they’ve improved since the start of the semester, find out how their final exams are going, etc etc.

But there is one distinct drawback to the oral exam thrill: having to listen to my own voice recorded—in Spanish—and played back to me so that I can hear how many grammatical errors I myself made when speaking. Plus the joy of hearing my idiotic, fish-gaspy laugh.

It’s really atrocious having to listen to it. My own voice always sounds higher to me than I think it is, usually. I like to imagine I have a Lauren Bacall voice. I’ve got breathy, that’s for sure. But it’s not deep. Just breathy and middle-of-the-road inane.

In sum: DO NOT LIKE VOICE. DO NOT LIKE HEARING VOICE. DO NOT LIKE HEARING VOICE IN SPANISH, MUCH LESS.

But off I go to do my job.

Oh, FYI, yesterday was a horrible train wreck of a day that involved copious amounts of tears. But the thing that caused the tears is well over, and thankfully, I won’t have to subject myself to anything similar again… well, not until I’m up for tenure, anyway. Oy.

May 8th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | NaBloPoMo May, Teach It | 2 comments

Sleep of the Damned: The LitMag Strikes Cold Fear in My Heart

So, the voice in my head at 1:00 a.m. decided to scream at me the following words:

“YOU’RE MISMANAGING THE LITMAG, DUMBASS!!!”

Hard to sleep with a haranguing drill sergeant in your head. Very hard. So here I am writing today’s blog post, all insomniac-y and stressed out at quarter of 2 in the morning.

The LitMag has been a daily stress for some time. It *will* be over soon, I keep telling myself. And I’m really not mismanaging it. There have just been some things that I haven’t had time to deal with that are arguably unimportant, and so I’ve let them slide, just so that I can keep some semblance of sanity.

But apparently, not doing a perfect job is cause for a Wee Hours of the Morning Freak-Out. Great.

::whiiiiiiiiine::

I’m going to knit for a while and then try the sleep thing again. Oy.

This can’t be good for my blood pressure.

May 7th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | Uncategorized | no comments

Fantabulous Day!

18:00

I got hijacked by a run to Oh-So-NoCal Café with KnitKitteh, and so no chapter writing got done, but there was a copious amount of intellectual conversation at Oh-So-NoCal Café that made up for it. Of course, the Rabid Intellectualism was then followed by a conversation about which character on “Friends” was most pitiable—KnitKitteh and I both agreed that it is the emasculated Chandler that deserves the most sympathy. Almost as much sympathy as Jennie Garth’s character on “90210″ deserved—they did *everything* to that poor girl except beat her with a gremlin.

Anyway, now primping for a date. Gotta get back to the mascara.

13:00

I’ve been cleaning rather than writing. You don’t even *know* what a wreck my apartment is. I have half of Big U’s library in here… and a good portion of other collections from Other Big Universities through Interlibrary Loan (my latest vice!).

It occurs to me as I write this that I still have bags filled with Christmas gifts sitting out by my desk. They haven’t found a home. And my suitcase that I took to Chicago with me is still on the floor… It hasn’t made it back to storage. (But that’s because I no longer have the key to my storage, having left it in Chicago.)

I’m overrunning my apartment! Something must be done about this. I think, when this is all over—meaning Ch3—I’m going to have to do a thorough sort of this mess that is my abode.

Not that any of this is getting me down. Hell. I still am on Cloud 9.

11:30 a.m.

Today has gotten off to a great start. Just fabulous.

I’m going to liveblog the day. I want it to continue on this path of positiveness. It feels good.

Why am I so happy? Because the Overlords were more than kind on my latest batch of goodies. One Overlord even used the word “ingenious” to describe the analysis that I did. I like the word “ingenious”.

Not that I’m bragging. I just like to pass on the good juju.

More soon.

May 6th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | A Cookie's Life, Educating Cookie, La Tesis | one comment

Finishing Ch3, Day 1

Today I embark upon a dignified and noble mission: that of finishing Chapter 3. I must turn it in to the Overlords next Tuesday. And there are miles to go before I sleep. Miles and miles… Well, maybe about 20 miles total.

This is an entirely do-able project, and I feel pretty confident at the moment. Considering all that’s gone on lately to rattle my confidence, I think that having any confidence at all is a minor miracle.

So, off I go to work on Ch3. More updates will be forthcoming. I will try to whine as little as possible.

May 5th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | La Tesis | no comments

After Writing All Day Today…

… my voice is tired. Especially my academic voice. Very tired.

So, here’s my post for the day:

When I was 11 I went to Germany to visit my Uncle T, and we drove around in a Volkswagen Westfalia for about 10 days, visiting Munich and Salzburg and those Mad-Ludwig-Bavarian-Cinderella Castles that were decidedly underwhelming for my Tween-y eyes.

Every day, I wanted to know where we were going. Uncle T didn’t operate that way. And so he would tease me, saying “Structure! Structure!” and slamming his fist into his palm to hammer it home.

Now, whenever I try to make a plan, an outline, what have you, I hear Uncle T saying “Structure! Structure!”, as if it’s a bad thing.

As a grad student, if I didn’t have structure, I think I’d never graduate. As it is, it’s taking me two extra years to get the job done.

Structure, Uncle T, Structure–some of us need it.

May 4th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | Uncategorized | no comments

My Academic Voice

Today I was on Ravelry, and noticed that teabird wanted to start a readalong with Billy Collins’ book, The Trouble with Poetry (and Other Poems). Of course I jumped in, writing a reasonably lengthy reply to the thread, which was about the first poem in the book called, “You, Reader“. Here’s what I wrote:

“To me this is a poem about desire: the desire of readers of poetry to actually write poetry, the desire of poets to write poetry for and be known to their readers. The difference between reader and writer is actually the degree of their desire–who is actually writing the poem? The one who wanted it more, the one who wanted the poem to exist.

Bringing that poem to existence of course implies more than mere desire, it requires action. And here, the poetic voice speaks of the action of observation as being the key to the actualization of desire. Collins observes, he writes, whereas we do not, as readers, contribute to the creation of the poetic event.

But Collins’ poem is not dismissive of the reader. Instead, he uses the poem to express the pivotal relationship between the writer who creates the text and the reader who actualizes it. In the poem, this reader exists both on the page (as the imagined ideal of the poetic voice) and in reality (you, in the flesh, sitting there reading it). And Collins writes himself into his work, reimagining himself at his table, as a part of the poem.

My impression is that Collins recognizes the symbiotic relationship of reader and writer, but is also exploring the problems of motivation between poet and not-poet, or rather, poet and potential poet.

I find this a little disquieting, as a card-carrying potential poet. But still, Collins’ observations of quotidian life, the beauty therein, manage to make me forget my envy and wonder, too, if the salt shakers have come to recognize each other as a pair, only awkwardly separable…

…just like the poet and his reader.”

I re-read my entry before I posted it. “Poetic event”? “Symbiotic relationship”? “Actualization of Desire”?

Holy crap have I been in graduate school too long!

Here’s this chance to talk about poetry like a normal human being, to talk about its beauty, its humanity, its intimate, personal elements, and I start waxing eloquent about, basically, reader-response theory.

I think I just bled Billy Collins poem dry, which wasn’t the intent.

It’s just that my academic voice has come to overpower and overwhelm my more innocent musings on poetry. The musings that would have come before I knew who Wolfgang Iser was.

The thing is, though, I like that academic voice. I like it when it comes out strong and clear. The problems I’m having right now with my dissertation is that voice is all shaky and wobbly because I feel like I’m out of my comfort zone, which is clearly the discussion of poetry. Venturing into the world of history, politics, ideology, and science has me all off-kilter.

Nice to come back to poetry, though, even if I did overdo it on the Ravelry board. Nice to know I still have it in me, that confident voice, the voice that knows to pronounce every syllable and find the meaning in it.

Not that I believe that poetry must mean something.

But that’s a topic for another time… and in another voice.

May 3rd, 2008 Posted by voncookie | Uncategorized | one comment

Holocaust Remembrance Day.

I thought this post at Tea Leaves was particularly poignant.

I agree.

Remember.

May 2nd, 2008 Posted by voncookie | Uncategorized | no comments

Near Wild Heaven!!

The Universe smiles upon me!!!!

I’m a member of a group on Ravelry—an online community for knitters/crocheters—and last night while screwing around with the community forums, I stumbled across a group for Knitters who love the band R.E.M.

I’ve been listening to R.E.M. since I was 15, and although I *gravely* object to everything that came after “Up” (”Up” is a *great* album, don’t let anyone tell you differently), what with all the swirly synth-pop horror that came with “Reveal” and “Around the Sun”, I am still as dedicated a fan as one can be after umpteen years.

So, I stumbled across the R.E.M. forum, and found out that they’re just starting up a tour. And their playing in a stadium on Big U’s campus!!! So fucking fabulous that I have to swear in order to communicate my
enthusiasm. Holy shit!!!!!

So, I already have my tix and am OK TO GO.

Yeeeee-haw!!!!

“Slam book neck! Right? Right.”

May 2nd, 2008 Posted by voncookie | Entertain Me, Music and the Mirror | no comments

Poetry of My Youth: Melancholy à la Wordsworth

The theme for May’s NaBloPoMo is “Voices”. Ahhhh…. resonance. I started the “Poetry of My Youth” series with Sharon Olds’ “35/10″ (click here to read it) and then followed up with Adrienne Rich’s “In the Classroom” (click here for that one, too). All in all, I’d say my world is filled with wonderful voices, poetic voices, ones that continue to echo over decades. It’s lovely, lovely. Loud… but lovely.

This one stuck with me for a while… obviously. It’s from “Ode on Intimations of Immortality” by William Wordsworth, the 5th stanza. We read it in my senior AP English class with Mrs. Marilyn Mortimer, a powerhouse of an English teacher. We did all the Romantics that year, 1992-1993. Of all of them—Shelley, Keats, Byron—it was William Wordsworth that made the biggest impression of all of them, because I found him less flowery than the others. Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn” just made me want to buy a fancy flower arrangement to fill it. Fitting.

But Wordsworth.

Here’s the fifth stanza from “Ode to Intimations on Immortality”

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting;
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting
And cometh from afar;
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison-house begin to close
Upon the growing Boy,
But he beholds the light, and whence it flows,
He sees it in his joy;
The Youth, who daily farther from the east
Must travel, still is Nature’s priest,
And by the vision splendid
Is on his way attended;
At length the Man perceives it die away,
And fade into the light of common day.

I think I wanted to use “Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting” in my Salutatory speech, which I lost, and have appropriately forgotten. I find this phrase comforting, the idea that our souls “come from afar”, rising to join us at the moment of our birth. A well of souls from which ours is drawn out and sent down the river to our umbilicus, making us one—body and soul, finally and at last—as we slip into this life.

I, admittedly, tend to ignore the rest of the poem, about how we age, how we lose the purity of infancy so quickly as we grow. How knowledge destroys nature. (Oh how Capital-R Romantic!)

Instead, I think of my Sleep, I think of my Forgetting, and I wonder what it is that I’ve forgotten. Sometimes, when I’m about to fall asleep, this line drops through the tidewaters of my drowsiness, and I feel that I’m on the verge of remembering it all, the land from which my star was dropped. But instead, I lie down and sleep, and forget once again.

This is no simple reincarnation. This is the eternal soul, the perfect soul, which we sully with our daily use of it. But that’s what souls are for. And we figure out ways to wash our souls. For some, faith purifies, for others good works. But for me, what purifies my soul is beauty, the creation of it. I’m no perfect poet, or writer in general, but blogging, writing, working on the Diss, these are all actions that cleanse me.

I’ve been wallowing in a sullied soul lately. I’ll read my Wordsworth for a few days. Maybe then all this Sturm und Drang can be rinsed away, and I’ll forget, and start anew.

May 1st, 2008 Posted by voncookie | Literature, NaBloPoMo May, Uncategorized | no comments

A Month of Blogging Begins—Welcome to NaBloPoMo

I’ve decided to challenge myself to a blogging duel! For the month of May, I will be posting every day, hopefully with something interesting for everyone.

I’ve been in a real funk lately, and so my blog has gotten a little whiny. And I thought to myself, Self, you need to quit your bitching and find something real to write about.

So, welcome to the May NaBloPoMo. See you here tomorrow!

May 1st, 2008 Posted by voncookie | NaBloPoMo May | one comment

All I Can Say Is…

…feh.

If only Salieri were around to absolve me of my mediocrity, I’d be fine.

Until then, back to our regularly scheduled failing to live up to my own standards.

::hush::

April 30th, 2008 Posted by voncookie | A Cookie's Life | no comments